Can being ill ever be a good thing?

When I was a little girl my mum often used to say to me "you always think the glass is half empty!".Perplexed I used to look at her, then stare at the glass in front of me and quietly think - "but it IS half empty!!!!!!" - Seeing the balance in things was never really my strong point.

In 1546 John Heywood coined the phrase of "not seeing the wood (forest) for the trees" - meaning that when you are engrossed or obsessed with a situation you will be unable to see or appreciate its full meaning. Well, lets face it, when you feel terrible and every bone in your body aches - who gives a s**** about forests and trees - all that matters is getting through it. I have been in that place where your whole life seems to have sunk so far down the well of despair that the light to the outer world is nothing but a memory, nothing else much matters.

When nothing makes sense and everything is going wrong this is probably the MOST difficult time to ask yourself this question but also of the most importance that you do - What is the benefit of being this way, right now?

On my worst days I would have probably reacted very badly to a question like that. On the days I was in hospital and barely "living" I would have probably thrown sharp objects and conjured up my scarce breath to shout profanity at you for asking me such a shockingly ludicrous question - but still I urge you on - ask yourself - What is going right?

"Nothing is going right - absolutely nothing" is what my mind would have me convinced. Our minds are highly tuned into survival and with this mission avoid all pain and seek all pleasure. However, our mind also has the capacity to see beyond the obvious (such as love, radioactivity and electricity) and more so understands that two things can exist at the same time. Our planet as a whole is equally bathed in light and dark at the same time. On the playground too, the see-saw is both up and down - at the same time. In the same way, the glass is NOT either "half-full" or "half-empty - it is in fact both, equally at the same time.

The idea that illness brings with it both benefits and drawbacks in equal measure can be shocking and frightening when first introduced to your thinking and certainly met my resistance at the start. "So does that mean that my pain and suffering is all not real and we are just going to dismiss it?????"- OF COURSE NOT. This is not about making you, your journey, your pain or suffering any less. It is in fact that you have missed out on half the truth, so actually there is more, not less. Even better, the bit that you missed out is actually the good bit because you simply have been concentrating on all the bad bits. This is where the wood and trees saying really applies - sometimes when we are so caught up in something (and illness is a hard one not to get caught up in lets face it) - you loose the ability to see the bigger picture. You loose the ability to see the event in balance, with all its drawbacks AS WELL as the benefits.

I am never going to pretend that this is easy and I have had plenty of opportunity to try. Seeing the balance clearly when the evidence seems stacked up in one direction can be a tough and a tall order. The more a situation seems either "all good" or "all bad" the more looking for the balance in my head becomes pointless and I have to write my thoughts down to make sense of them. I usually begin by gently approaching my mind from an obtuse angle by asking "Well, hypothetically, what if there was a benefit what would it be.....?" and later probe further by enquiring "what did I gain in my life though this illness? which people did it connect me with? what new things did I learn about the world and discover about myself through being ill?"

What's the point in trying to see the balance in any case? A well known Buddhist proverb says: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. When I was ill I used to tell people that I was double-sick: sick in the body and sick of my mind. I often used to joke with doctors that they had forgotten to tell me what to do with my mind while my body was sick as the hopelessness and despair were often more painful than the pain itself. There are still many illnesses that when have no idea about and I would be skeptical of any person who tells you that they can exactly pinpoint which thought or emotion is implicated in your disease - we are simply not (yet) that far in our science, medicine and mind-body investigation.

Suffering - the mind part - that we do know quite a lot about. Suffering is the belief that the situation you are experiencing is bringing only/mostly drawbacks. The entire universe and everything in it is subject to the law of balance and you can find the evidence in your mind, your body and everyone you ever met. There is no one side without the other. There is no benefit without a drawback. Even within your illness, its blessing resides.

The jury is still out on how much or exactly how the mind affects the body but we certainly know it does. I don't know about you, but to me a balanced mind seems like a great start to a balanced body and being only "half-sick" sounds much better too.

What if ..... there is a reason I am sick?

I have a great fascination for reading the stories and autobiographies of great men and women. Some of this started when I was really ill and in bed for days on end. Partly I read it because I needed to fill my mind with thoughts other than being ill ... partly, well ..... because I was jealous. Yes!!! envious to the core of my being - not of their popularity, not of their enormous success not even of the tons of cash they had managed to procure - it was in fact their sense of purpose.

Potential - This is what I passionately believed this "disease" had robbed me of. I fundamentally believed that my illness had ruined everything, like thief in the night it had taken away so many things I loved but most importantly it had robbed me of my purpose in life. I can't even begin to tell you how many of my thoughts started with " if only I hadn't gotten ill .. I would be doing this/achieving this/ conquering this .. etc etc" backed up by hundred more thoughts of "if I wasn't ill this.. if I wasn't ill that" - this state of mind consumed me.

In my crazed efforts to escape the bad thoughts and because I had figured out that distracting myself helped greatly with anxiety and pain, ordering these books and reading them became my own little love/hate ritual. I danced in the glory of their stories and stewed in my jealousy over their triumphs. Very quickly I noticed a pattern in their life journeys that only struck me in the moments I was not torn between the infatuation of their joy and in the resentment of my situation. These great men and women ... ALL.....experienced great struggle. They ALL had an incident, an accident, a struggle, a woe ...... a something that sparked in them the resources to overcome the hurdle.

Like a lightening bolt of realization it struck me: What if ? rather than the only reason for me being ill was stress, or a virus, or erroneous nutrition, or a poisoning of various substances, or something I was born with ......WHAT IF? There was an actual reason, a meaning and purpose to being ill ...... WHAT IF? something was ALSO going right????

It was only years later and some very dedicated of study of some of the most inspired minds in the world that I could make sense of what I had realised on that day. It is also only in hindsight and through journals and medical records I kept along the way that I can see that something truly changed in me that day ... to me it was the start of my recovery. It was in fact the very first moment I began to see the balance.

They way I have come to understand this now can be best described with the help of the scene of a movie I am very fond of:

A ship has set sail and set course for a distant but well know port. Along the journey a great storm draws over the ocean severely threatening both vessel and crew with gigantic waves, battering winds and relentless destruction. The crew is frightened, disorientated and fear for their lives. Eventually the storm passes and the captain takes stock of their whereabouts and damage. Some of the damage is repairable, though it may take time and resources. The crews minds and hearts will heal with time - they have come through a great struggle but have gained courage and a very deep bond between brothers. Their whereabouts however cause a great stir as they have drifted incredibly far off course. In front of them lies previously undiscovered land .... rich, new, beautiful exotic land. Not only have their discovered that their ship and crew was far tougher than what they thought, they also discovered NEW LAND.

Every challenge brings out a new strength in you, you never knew you had. Each new trial will, like a great storm, bring moments of doubt and disorientation, but also the ability to get blown so far out of your normal comfort zone that it brings the blessing of discovering new land within you.

Sometimes it takes a great big storm (or a great big illness), to shake things up so enormously that you can break out of the old way of living and thinking .... so that during the storm you can see your courage, your strength and determination. Maybe it takes a great big storm to bring about enough energy and momentum to catapult you past your old paradigms until the storm has passed and in front of you is a new world you could have never dreamed of or even set sail for.

Sometimes it takes a great big illness for you to truly find yourself and your purpose!!

It certainly was my storm:)