Can being ill ever be a good thing?

When I was a little girl my mum often used to say to me "you always think the glass is half empty!".Perplexed I used to look at her, then stare at the glass in front of me and quietly think - "but it IS half empty!!!!!!" - Seeing the balance in things was never really my strong point.

In 1546 John Heywood coined the phrase of "not seeing the wood (forest) for the trees" - meaning that when you are engrossed or obsessed with a situation you will be unable to see or appreciate its full meaning. Well, lets face it, when you feel terrible and every bone in your body aches - who gives a s**** about forests and trees - all that matters is getting through it. I have been in that place where your whole life seems to have sunk so far down the well of despair that the light to the outer world is nothing but a memory, nothing else much matters.

When nothing makes sense and everything is going wrong this is probably the MOST difficult time to ask yourself this question but also of the most importance that you do - What is the benefit of being this way, right now?

On my worst days I would have probably reacted very badly to a question like that. On the days I was in hospital and barely "living" I would have probably thrown sharp objects and conjured up my scarce breath to shout profanity at you for asking me such a shockingly ludicrous question - but still I urge you on - ask yourself - What is going right?

"Nothing is going right - absolutely nothing" is what my mind would have me convinced. Our minds are highly tuned into survival and with this mission avoid all pain and seek all pleasure. However, our mind also has the capacity to see beyond the obvious (such as love, radioactivity and electricity) and more so understands that two things can exist at the same time. Our planet as a whole is equally bathed in light and dark at the same time. On the playground too, the see-saw is both up and down - at the same time. In the same way, the glass is NOT either "half-full" or "half-empty - it is in fact both, equally at the same time.

The idea that illness brings with it both benefits and drawbacks in equal measure can be shocking and frightening when first introduced to your thinking and certainly met my resistance at the start. "So does that mean that my pain and suffering is all not real and we are just going to dismiss it?????"- OF COURSE NOT. This is not about making you, your journey, your pain or suffering any less. It is in fact that you have missed out on half the truth, so actually there is more, not less. Even better, the bit that you missed out is actually the good bit because you simply have been concentrating on all the bad bits. This is where the wood and trees saying really applies - sometimes when we are so caught up in something (and illness is a hard one not to get caught up in lets face it) - you loose the ability to see the bigger picture. You loose the ability to see the event in balance, with all its drawbacks AS WELL as the benefits.

I am never going to pretend that this is easy and I have had plenty of opportunity to try. Seeing the balance clearly when the evidence seems stacked up in one direction can be a tough and a tall order. The more a situation seems either "all good" or "all bad" the more looking for the balance in my head becomes pointless and I have to write my thoughts down to make sense of them. I usually begin by gently approaching my mind from an obtuse angle by asking "Well, hypothetically, what if there was a benefit what would it be.....?" and later probe further by enquiring "what did I gain in my life though this illness? which people did it connect me with? what new things did I learn about the world and discover about myself through being ill?"

What's the point in trying to see the balance in any case? A well known Buddhist proverb says: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. When I was ill I used to tell people that I was double-sick: sick in the body and sick of my mind. I often used to joke with doctors that they had forgotten to tell me what to do with my mind while my body was sick as the hopelessness and despair were often more painful than the pain itself. There are still many illnesses that when have no idea about and I would be skeptical of any person who tells you that they can exactly pinpoint which thought or emotion is implicated in your disease - we are simply not (yet) that far in our science, medicine and mind-body investigation.

Suffering - the mind part - that we do know quite a lot about. Suffering is the belief that the situation you are experiencing is bringing only/mostly drawbacks. The entire universe and everything in it is subject to the law of balance and you can find the evidence in your mind, your body and everyone you ever met. There is no one side without the other. There is no benefit without a drawback. Even within your illness, its blessing resides.

The jury is still out on how much or exactly how the mind affects the body but we certainly know it does. I don't know about you, but to me a balanced mind seems like a great start to a balanced body and being only "half-sick" sounds much better too.

What if ..... there is a reason I am sick?

I have a great fascination for reading the stories and autobiographies of great men and women. Some of this started when I was really ill and in bed for days on end. Partly I read it because I needed to fill my mind with thoughts other than being ill ... partly, well ..... because I was jealous. Yes!!! envious to the core of my being - not of their popularity, not of their enormous success not even of the tons of cash they had managed to procure - it was in fact their sense of purpose.

Potential - This is what I passionately believed this "disease" had robbed me of. I fundamentally believed that my illness had ruined everything, like thief in the night it had taken away so many things I loved but most importantly it had robbed me of my purpose in life. I can't even begin to tell you how many of my thoughts started with " if only I hadn't gotten ill .. I would be doing this/achieving this/ conquering this .. etc etc" backed up by hundred more thoughts of "if I wasn't ill this.. if I wasn't ill that" - this state of mind consumed me.

In my crazed efforts to escape the bad thoughts and because I had figured out that distracting myself helped greatly with anxiety and pain, ordering these books and reading them became my own little love/hate ritual. I danced in the glory of their stories and stewed in my jealousy over their triumphs. Very quickly I noticed a pattern in their life journeys that only struck me in the moments I was not torn between the infatuation of their joy and in the resentment of my situation. These great men and women ... ALL.....experienced great struggle. They ALL had an incident, an accident, a struggle, a woe ...... a something that sparked in them the resources to overcome the hurdle.

Like a lightening bolt of realization it struck me: What if ? rather than the only reason for me being ill was stress, or a virus, or erroneous nutrition, or a poisoning of various substances, or something I was born with ......WHAT IF? There was an actual reason, a meaning and purpose to being ill ...... WHAT IF? something was ALSO going right????

It was only years later and some very dedicated of study of some of the most inspired minds in the world that I could make sense of what I had realised on that day. It is also only in hindsight and through journals and medical records I kept along the way that I can see that something truly changed in me that day ... to me it was the start of my recovery. It was in fact the very first moment I began to see the balance.

They way I have come to understand this now can be best described with the help of the scene of a movie I am very fond of:

A ship has set sail and set course for a distant but well know port. Along the journey a great storm draws over the ocean severely threatening both vessel and crew with gigantic waves, battering winds and relentless destruction. The crew is frightened, disorientated and fear for their lives. Eventually the storm passes and the captain takes stock of their whereabouts and damage. Some of the damage is repairable, though it may take time and resources. The crews minds and hearts will heal with time - they have come through a great struggle but have gained courage and a very deep bond between brothers. Their whereabouts however cause a great stir as they have drifted incredibly far off course. In front of them lies previously undiscovered land .... rich, new, beautiful exotic land. Not only have their discovered that their ship and crew was far tougher than what they thought, they also discovered NEW LAND.

Every challenge brings out a new strength in you, you never knew you had. Each new trial will, like a great storm, bring moments of doubt and disorientation, but also the ability to get blown so far out of your normal comfort zone that it brings the blessing of discovering new land within you.

Sometimes it takes a great big storm (or a great big illness), to shake things up so enormously that you can break out of the old way of living and thinking .... so that during the storm you can see your courage, your strength and determination. Maybe it takes a great big storm to bring about enough energy and momentum to catapult you past your old paradigms until the storm has passed and in front of you is a new world you could have never dreamed of or even set sail for.

Sometimes it takes a great big illness for you to truly find yourself and your purpose!!

It certainly was my storm:)

Today I am stressed ...

I have actually been waiting for a day like this for a while in anticipation of being able to blog about it. Now you're probably thinking .. hang on... she was looking forward to being stressed??? that just does not make any sense. Bear with me while I bare my thoughts.

For a couple of days now I have been feeling "stressed". Have you ever wondered what feeling "stressed" actually means ... is it an emotional thing? is it a physical thing? is it a psychological thing? Well actually it is all of these to most of us, but different people will experience it differently. To me it is usually a physical thing that alerts me first: appetite irregular, unrefreshing sleep, feeling wired and on edge and well as notable changes in mood, ease and concentration. Today I can feel my system is on edge.

In very simple terms within your body this is called "fight or flight" and means that your system has identified something in your environment as difficult, dangerous or threatening and has mobilized your body to get ready for the fight or to run like hell. I am sure that if we were living in cave-man days and the world outside had a whole host of things that go bump in the night and would like to have you as their dinner, then such a mechanism is an exceptionally useful thing.

We do however no longer live with the sable-tooth tigers that like humans for snacks but have replaced this danger with a whole truck load of other "dangerous" things. So, considering that my body is showing me all the signs of being ready and able, there must be an imminent danger with my surroundings.... lets have a look? table, computer, cup of tea, cat and the lovely surrounding of my cozy kitchen. No sable-tooth tiger, no vicious snake, no menacing burglar .. not even that offensive smells that the old drainage pipes usually give off in this georgian house. Absolutely nothing!!! is that even possible .... well, of course it it. That's because the most important aspect of your "stress" response of "fight or flight" is .... your interpretation of the impending danger. That's right its all in your head ..... well, not quite... but definitely your mind is a BIG part of it.

Imagine you are at my house and a package arrives by post. Neither of us know what the contents are. We open the box and inside is a great big snake - how would you react? sweaty palms, increased heart rate and breathing, a kind of wired state of alert and you'd most probably jump back in horror. Sounds a lot like my "stressed" out situation I described earlier on right? But then why, in the same moment with the same snake am I standing next to you with a grin on my face and make cooing noises stroking the snake being ultra relaxed - well, because I like snakes, I happen to know that this one isn't dangerous and I am fascinated by them. Same situation - different interpretation - different physical outcome.

Of course many people are afraid of snakes and wanting to flee from them is a common reaction. Still it highlights a very important aspect of the "stress" reaction. No matter how big or small the event is, the thing that switches the stress switch on ALERT is your interpretation. Your interpretation can be as a result of many different thoughts or occurrences - actual experiences with snakes, memory, imagination, you may have seen a movie about snakes or someone may have told you a scary story. What all of these modulators of interpretations will have in common in order to switch on the "fight or flight" is, that you believe that being in the presence or close to the snake will have more drawbacks than benefits. Huh? I hear you say .. of course the thing might jump, or bite or whatever??? Still if you take a close look at your thoughts that fuel the fear, they will all be about worst-case-scenario and its uncomfortable, even life-threatening repercussions.

Stress is about your interpretation of what is going on. So lets take a closer look at what is going on in my interpretation. For about 2 weeks now I have had to deal with a scenario where someone quite passionately does not agree with something I have done. I however feel that what I have done was "right" and so I feel them to be judgemental and criticising. Interestingly, that person never said outright that I am wrong - it is my interpretation of the scenario that matters here and that has the ability to switch on the stress response. Still, just being criticised and judged will affect many people in a similar way - yet some people it does NOT.... why is that? The reason that I react strongly to criticism and judgement is again built on a cascade of experiences, both real and imagined. What is however significant and a common thread tying together the themes with that cascade is, that I believe criticism and judgement have more drawbacks than benefits.

Think about it. When your mind has a wealth of evidence that something is both "good" and bad" equally - your body does not need to react with "fight or flight"......well is it or isn't it an emergency??? Errr.... both... neither??? In reality your body actually has two different systems that you ebb and flow in and out of all day: they are the "fight or flight" and "rest and relax" also know as the sympathetic nervous system and the para-sympathetic nervous system. Still switching from one to another is not only about what is in actuality happening in your surroundings, but far more powerfully your interpretation of whether or not this is a "danger".

Can you get stressed about something that isn't there at all - absolutely. Fear and panic attacks, both of which I have alot of personal experience with are often more based on the one-sided perceptions and un-balanced conclusions that your mind makes with regards to a future event that, in your belief, holds more negatives than positives.

What would you say if I told you that every situation has both and equal - benefits and drawbacks, both and equal - positives and negative. Well, then logic would say that there is no need to panic. What if I could show you that everything you fear and worry about has both and equal - benefits ad drawbacks, both and equal, positives and negatives... well then there would be no need to worry, fear and panic. Stress is something you can directly influence and balance out by seeing the inherent balance that is all around you already !

Sounds almost too simple to be true, right??. Well, Simple in actuality, but takes work and dedication to translate into reality. It takes time to prove to your mind that "reality" really is only your own unique interpretation of the world around you and the people in it - and that half the story is missing here usually. In actuality there is always a balance of both - and + in every situation, yet your mind due to memory and imagination will tell you that it has only one-side - fuelling either infatuation or resentment - telling you only half the truth,

More on how to balance your mind in the next post, but for now have a think about where the sable-tooth tigers are hiding in your life, real or imagined:)

What to do with your mind when your body is sick ...

One of the standard jokes between my doctor and I during the time I was severely ill was that I often complained jokingly that he had not yet issued me with an instruction manual about what to do with my mind while my body was on its journey of illness. Initially I hadn’t really connected this at a Mind-Body healing level, but just really more of something to do with the hours and hours of being alone and incapacitated. I found that when I was “well” and getting on with my life as such - my thoughts were filled with to-do lists, things to achieve and just day-to-day practical stuff. When I became ill however, I became aware that underneath this focus that my mind had experienced in time of wellness were also old and new topics of thought that now dominated the scene – panic, fear, anger, guilt, despair and depression just to name a few. During particularly the most severe stages of my illness, I definitely spent more time thinking around panic, fear and despair than I would have before. It certainly was new territory for me.

At first I decided that distraction was probably the best way and endeavoured to find things to occupy the hours and days. Although this was most pleasant and saw me pretty much read every book and watch every film I had ever been interested in, the “dark thoughts” as I liked to call then were ever-ready, tail wagging, happy to step in as soon as the distraction came to an end. Sometimes, when especially the fear got really strong, even distraction was no match to quell the tide of panic soon followed by despair. I tried Affirmations, Meditations, CBT, NLP, Hypnotherapy, Counselling and all sorts of other new and celebrated forms of Mind Control, Thought Modification and attitude adjustment – all of which I found fascinating and even studied and became certified in a few. I enjoyed the journey each of them lead me through, but found that although they had been heralded with much success and many a miracle “curing” – for some reason none of them had a lasting effect on either my mind or the barrage of troublesome and difficult thoughts I had to fend off each and every day.

When I first discovered or rather stumbled upon the Demartini Method, I initially just thought it would be a “fun” and “entertaining” way to learn more about human behaviour and a tool to gain balance in your mind and body, but I honestly did not put too much expectation on the outcome of attending the two day Breakthrough Experience. When I look back on it now, I would say that by the time I attended the very first Breakthrough Experience I went on, I was probably 70% recovered from the more debilitation symptoms of the Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia I had experienced in the earlier years. Vast efforts in the areas of nutrition, detoxification and supplementation as well as an enormous amount of bed-rest and lifestyle change had facilitated the transformation from what I called “almost-dead” to “functioning”. I was no longer afflicted with the long list of symptoms that splayed across digestion, fatigue, sensory imbalances and spine-chilling pain that took me to the edge of fainting daily – however I couldn’t exactly say that my life was firing on all cylinders. I still struggled with many of the nervous system aspect of the condition and now could also add palpitations and panic attacks to my list. Walking was still extremely painful and especially my lower legs still ached incessantly. Any small amount of "real"exertion - like walking up a flight of stairs or running for the bus - as well as too hot and too cold temperature were very difficult and required unexpected amounts of rest and recuperation for days after.

I only noticed something was different in the weeks after The Breakthrough Experience – it was not earth-shattering at first, but it did feel different…. like life I had taken the first step around a new corner. Certainly the pain and ache had lessened and mobility and energy had improved. Again, I dismissed it as co-incidence and assumed that what seemed as improvement was more attributable to some-kind of placebo effect or that perhaps I just felt better because I had had an enjoyable weekend. By the time I completed my 2^nd and 3^rd Breakthrough and had immersed myself in Dr Demartini’s books and other study materials, I was no longer in any doubt that things were shifting for me physically and psychologically. What I was continually surprised about, was that none of the things I had learnt were a “do this and it will cure you” instruction, but that what I learnt was about seeing people, events and myself in balance. I had learnt at tool to show my mind the balance in the world around me and that was translating into balance within my physical body. I was fascinated!

My recovery was not an overnight job for sure. It saw me try so many different avenues first in orthodox medicine, alternative medicine and lastly exploring the mind-body connection and involvement in illness. Along the way I have as such “recovered” to the level I consider to have been before my illness which quite bizarrely I no longer consider a benchmark of “health” or “living” (even though this pre-ill state was the muse of my fantasy while I was ill, often repeating incessantly “I just want to be like I was before!!”).

Today I consider my body my compass and ally moving on a spectrum ranging between balance and imbalance. It is my guide, that just like those canaries in olden days mining shafts let the miners know that something was “not right”, before the miners themselves knew that they had to do something about the impending danger. However, it is not danger that my body is alerting me to, but more that there is something within my perception (either present or past) that I am not seeing the balance or total picture of. As such my body’s im-balance is alerting me that my mind is currently im-balanced about something either about myself or the world around me. Find the imbalance, use your mind to ask the right questions and your body responds by turning off the alarm signal it needed to use to alert you to the the situation at hand.

Much like the alert-signal on the dashboard of your car, that indicates to you your tyre, water or temperature level is out of balance, the symptoms of my body alert me to lift the hood of my mind, search for the imbalanced perception and re-balance using my mind to ask quality questions. Of course throughout our life we don’t just collect one thought, or one perception, or even just one imbalance – our minds are filled with thousands of connected and inter-connected perceptions of people, situations and scenarios. Likewise using your mind and an aresenal of re-balancing exercises to achieve balance within your body is likely to take some time. Your mind can assess and evaluate concepts at lightening fast speed and as such can and does affect your physiology though your body’s biochemistry. Some imbalances can be adjusted within a short time while others take time, persistence and practice as your minds lets you in bit-by-bit.

This isn’t a race, there are no-gold stars for first place and recovery more than anything else has been more of a journey than a destination. Even more the destination I was heading for seemed irrelevant when I got there. Now when my body experiences symptoms, I no longer am in the mind-set that it is malfunctioning or breaking down, BUT rather that it is like the canary functioning perfectly and optimally because the actual breakdown would be if it didn’t alert me. My body and its feedback mechanism is an essential tool in my life, alerting and assisting me to live more in line with my authentic self and more in tune with the greater order in everything I encounter.

The following pages are filled with topics, exercises and questions to assist your mind in identifying what is out-of balance and then re-balancing your perception back into equilibrium, so that your body too can benefit form this re-tuning, re-balancing and re-aligning. It is also my magical journey from illness to wholeness and how I learned to see the 8 years that journey took, as well as the illness as a whole, as an extraordinary gift that I am truly grateful for.

Lets begin our adventure…..

Disclaimer – PLEASE READ THIS CAREFULLY!

* Please keep in mind that the following topics are not intended as a “therapy” or “cure” and should not be used insead of or to replace professional medical treatment, advice or counselling. I refer to “healing” as the rebalancing of your perceptions NOT as the removal of physiological disease which I consider to be "curing".