Potential - This is what I passionately believed this "disease" had robbed me of. I fundamentally believed that my illness had ruined everything, like thief in the night it had taken away so many things I loved but most importantly it had robbed me of my purpose in life. I can't even begin to tell you how many of my thoughts started with " if only I hadn't gotten ill .. I would be doing this/achieving this/ conquering this .. etc etc" backed up by hundred more thoughts of "if I wasn't ill this.. if I wasn't ill that" - this state of mind consumed me.
In my crazed efforts to escape the bad thoughts and because I had figured out that distracting myself helped greatly with anxiety and pain, ordering these books and reading them became my own little love/hate ritual. I danced in the glory of their stories and stewed in my jealousy over their triumphs. Very quickly I noticed a pattern in their life journeys that only struck me in the moments I was not torn between the infatuation of their joy and in the resentment of my situation. These great men and women ... ALL.....experienced great struggle. They ALL had an incident, an accident, a struggle, a woe ...... a something that sparked in them the resources to overcome the hurdle.
Like a lightening bolt of realization it struck me: What if ? rather than the only reason for me being ill was stress, or a virus, or erroneous nutrition, or a poisoning of various substances, or something I was born with ......WHAT IF? There was an actual reason, a meaning and purpose to being ill ...... WHAT IF? something was ALSO going right????
It was only years later and some very dedicated of study of some of the most inspired minds in the world that I could make sense of what I had realised on that day. It is also only in hindsight and through journals and medical records I kept along the way that I can see that something truly changed in me that day ... to me it was the start of my recovery. It was in fact the very first moment I began to see the balance.
They way I have come to understand this now can be best described with the help of the scene of a movie I am very fond of:
A ship has set sail and set course for a distant but well know port. Along the journey a great storm draws over the ocean severely threatening both vessel and crew with gigantic waves, battering winds and relentless destruction. The crew is frightened, disorientated and fear for their lives. Eventually the storm passes and the captain takes stock of their whereabouts and damage. Some of the damage is repairable, though it may take time and resources. The crews minds and hearts will heal with time - they have come through a great struggle but have gained courage and a very deep bond between brothers. Their whereabouts however cause a great stir as they have drifted incredibly far off course. In front of them lies previously undiscovered land .... rich, new, beautiful exotic land. Not only have their discovered that their ship and crew was far tougher than what they thought, they also discovered NEW LAND.
Every challenge brings out a new strength in you, you never knew you had. Each new trial will, like a great storm, bring moments of doubt and disorientation, but also the ability to get blown so far out of your normal comfort zone that it brings the blessing of discovering new land within you.
Sometimes it takes a great big storm (or a great big illness), to shake things up so enormously that you can break out of the old way of living and thinking .... so that during the storm you can see your courage, your strength and determination. Maybe it takes a great big storm to bring about enough energy and momentum to catapult you past your old paradigms until the storm has passed and in front of you is a new world you could have never dreamed of or even set sail for.
Sometimes it takes a great big illness for you to truly find yourself and your purpose!!
It certainly was my storm:)
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